Staying Sanitized in a Corona World

It amazes me how people panic and then hoard. The Corona Beer virus shows up and Whammo! First it was toilet paper and bottled water. I guess I get the toilet paper thing. Not many substitutes available for that one. But bottled water? Are we expecting the tap water departments to collapse as Corona beer virus (or as it’s known in the trade COVID-6pk) spreads?

Now it’s sanitizers. First to go were the factory-made ones. Then some expert posted a recipe for making your own on the web, and rubbing alcohol became as scarce as hens’ teeth in a matter of hours.

But fear not. I’ve been told that turmeric spice is very effective at sanitizing. Turmeric has long been known to have many benefits. It’s anti-inflammatory, it cures acne, dark circles under your eyes, stretchmarks, age spots, and warts. The jury is still out on whether or not it can cure ingrown toe nails but feel free to sprinkle it in your shoes.

Turmeric was not known to kill COVID-6pk until a local herbalist in Santa Cruz, California started doing the research. She noticed none of her 17 cats had contracted the virus. Not a single one! The three possums in the garage were equally healthy. She figured it must be the turmeric that she religiously added to their food every day. Through trial and error… OK, there was little trial and no error… she found that all you need to do is just eat a 1 teaspoon per 123 pounds of body weight unless you are unusually tall (7’3″ or more). In that case add a smidgen more.

Hopefully, this secret won’t get out to too many people and turmeric starts disappearing from the spice shelves in Costco. But even if that happens we’ll still be OK as long as the granulated chicken bouillon holds out. Have you ever noticed how brightly yellow granulated chicken bouillon is? It’s because it contains a boatload of turmeric!

But you just can’t eat granulated chicken bouillon or even dissolve it in hot water as a broth for it to be as potent as straight turmeric. For best results mix the bouillon into a paste with about 3-4 drops of water per tablespoon. Make sure the paste is thick and evenly moistened. The denser it is, the more sanitized you’ll be.

Now take that paste and smear it all over your hands. If you live or work in an area where the virus is spreading it might be beneficial to smear it on your face as well. Especially around the nostrils and mouth. Be careful to get a nice, thick coat of the paste. While it’s drying try not to flex your fingers as that might make the paste crack and fall off. After it’s good and dry (about two hours under normal room humidity of 65 – 70%) you can go about your day. You are sanitized! No nasty COVID-6pk is going to get you by golly! If the paste starts to flake off, that’s OK. As long as your skin retains that bright yellow color you’re safe.

If you should go outdoors (and there is no reason to stay inside now that you are sanitized) you might notice a few birds circling overhead. Those would be chicken hawks. That’s just the bouillon doing its job, and they have a very keen sense of smell. Just don’t lie down to take a nap. The chicken hawks might work up the nerve to land on you and start pecking at your yellow fingers.

Hang in there, my yellow-handed friends. We’ll get through this together.

About Bill Mosca

Programmer, Database Engineer in the Healthcare Industry. Humorist by avocation.
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