I am a 74-year-old male. I stutter. I have for all my life, at least as far as I can remember. I’m writing this not for sympathy but in hopes someone out there will be educated or maybe someone will be relieved to know he is not the only one and it doesn’t have to cripple you and you certainly don’t have to be ashamed of who you are.
For some odd reason, there are far more male stutterers than female ones. In my lifetime, I’ve met only a handful.
There are different “styles” of stuttering. Rapid repeating of a sound or word, a sudden tightening of the vocal chords so the sound rises in pitch. Me, I get a block where my throat tightens and nothing comes out or sometimes the sound is just a prolonged “n”. But please do not finish my sentences for me. You’ll only make me mad.
I rarely discuss it. Most people I’ve talked to have never asked about it and it’s not something I like talking about. But then how is anyone to know what this thing is?
I’ve talked with many people in my life. I’ve given presentations.I’ve led department meetings. I even served as an officer on my Home Owners Association for 17 years. People I’ve talked with rarely bring up the topic. My guess is they don’t want to embarrass me. I stopped letting stuttering rule my life a long time ago.
Let’s start with my growing up. I was pretty much sheltered by my mother because of this curse which is probably not the best thing to do. The more I hid in silence, the less I talked and the worse my stuttering got. Grade school was fairly subdued. Kids ask questions but they are just being curious. Questions like:
“Does it hurt?” (No);
“Are you retarded?” (No, in fact, I have a rather high IQ and scored in the high 90’s percentile on my SATs);
“Why does it happen? (Nobody knows);
“When you stop talking does your brain stop thinking?” (On the contrary. I’m thinking, “SAY IT! SAY IT!”)
“How come you can sing in the school choir and not stutter?” (Beats me)
Let me expound on that last one. Yes, I can sing without stuttering. I can also talk to animals and babies and not stutter a bit. I get a free ride with animals and babies because they aren’t really understanding what I’m saying. At least that’s my personal theory. Go figure!
One of my long line of therapists said it takes two to stutter. That is, it only happens when I am speaking to someone or recording an announcement that someone will eventually hear.
Then came junior high. The worst group of tormentors are 7th and 8th graders. They tend to find your deepest flaw and make it headline news. The last thing I ever wanted was to draw attention to my stuttering so that got to be the target on my back. My school offered speech therapy which did no good except to make the target bigger.
High school was no picnic either. Class participation counted towards my grade in most of my classes. That made it rough. Armpit sweat stains were part of my normal attire. In my senior year, I ran for student body vice president just to push myself into speaking before a crowd. I didn’t sleep for the 2 days prior to the rally and spent the hour before it throwing up in the boys’ bathroom. While I was speaking I could hear the snickers and whispers, but I got through it. Got elected, too. I don’t know if it was a pity vote or not, but I didn’t care.
I wrote earlier that speech therapy was a waste of time for me. It was and is for all the people I know who went through it. I think that is because stuttering is so closely tied with self-esteem. When I’m joking around with my friends I sometimes forget I stutter. Put some pressure on me and I start to spiral down the drain. If I think I’m going to stutter, sure as shootin’ I do.
The last therapist I worked with was one who understood that self-fulfilling prophecy. She worked more on me believing in myself than techniques on avoiding stuttering. The techniques were where the teachings were at and might still be for all I know. Avoiding it by substituting words I know I’ll stutter on with ones that my brain says are easier for me to say. There is no rhyme or reason to what words bug me, but it’s that way for most stutterers. For years I dreaded having to say the word “seven” for no reason except I knew I’d have one of those damned blocks and not be able to say it. W’s and M’s trigger my stuttering. This I figured was because those are the initials of my name. Saying my name had been a huge problem for me. Just in the last few years I’ve managed to get past that.
I recently fell in love again. She’s a dear, dear friend who decided she loved me, too. It’s an amazing feeling that I thought I’d never have again after my wife passed away. During one of our earlier, intimate conversations that lovers have, I asked her what she thought about my stuttering. Did it make her uncomfortable? Did she have questions about it? Questions like that haunt me.
Her response to my question was simply, “I rarely notice it, and it doesn’t bother me one bit. It’s part of you and I love all of you.” I must say that knocked me off my feet. I was afraid I’d have to go into my life’s story, and she said my stuttering doesn’t bother her one bit. Only goes to show that most fears are unjustified.
By feeling better about myself, I stutter less. In fact, I grew to look at it as it was not my problem. If it made you uncomfortable, too bad. It’s who I am. I still stutter but I don’t hide anymore. I acknowledge it And yes, sometimes the sweaty armpits come back, but hey, that’s who I am.